Of honesty and confessions.

People ask me the thing I value most in someone?
Or the thing I value most in general?
I value Honesty. As the title goes.

I've lost a lot of people to honesty.
And I don't regret it. There are weak moments when I just wonder would I have been better off letting the truth slide Or sugar coating the things I said?
And NO comes the answer. No I wouldn't be better off. If you want to surround yourself with people who have traits you desire, you have to dump those who don't.

I'd been living under a rock as you'd call it for a very major though not very long period in my life. And now that I realise, its my intrusion of privacy of some certain people that helped me move on.
And I don't regret that one bit too.
Call it a confession or whatever, but this doesn't weigh me down.
I'm a very strong person. I CAN TAKE WHAT YOU GOT.
People who often disguise the whole lying and hiding thing with the 'I didn't think you'd take it well and other excuses or i wasn't ready to tell you just yet' PISS ME OFF.

I've had my fair share of bitter truths and your truth JUST can't be bitter than the 85% cocoa I got in my freezer.

Also, I don't get people who think there's like a whole lot of difference in lying and hiding the truth.
NO THERE ISN'T. Whether you're overspeeding or you're taking a wrong turn, YOU'RE STILL COMMITTING A TRAFFIC CRIME. and thats just about the same thing to me.

SO get it. there is no grey. ONLY black and white.
Also, I realise I've said a lot of nasty things to people. My parents. Strangers. and things that can make people cry for the rest of their lives.
But I'm honest. I don't keep things inside. Bottling up is not something I get. I really don't.
It ruins me and claws at me from the inside. Just how you can't keep a 15th drink down, I can't keep my feelings down.
So you're better off without my silent treatment or the taunts if I just get over with it once and for all.
My love for growing distant increases in circumstances that don't allow for the truth to pass freely.

Also, this other kind of people I don't like, who every once in a blue moon will be so nasty to you, and then just say they didn't mean it. and it was a joke.
The facade isn't something I appreciate.
Either be sweet or KEEP UP THE NASTINESS.

Also, nastiness is not synonymous with the truth. Sometimes i just feel the world would be a better place if the only emotion we felt was bluntness. And everyone would just be blunt and say whats on their mind.
All these social networking sites with 'whats on your mind' help. People really do say whats on their mind. Because, anonymity.

Which brings me to the fact that Confession pages are growing just as quickly as third world nations are birthing babies.
LIKE REALLY, WHY HIDE BEHIND A STUPID CURTAIN OF ANONYMITY.

The gay people had a problem coming out, but for you it should really just be a cakewalk.

And which brings me to the other point that just popped in my head. THIS always happens when I'm typing furiously and trying to end the post, I don't get people WAITING YEARS to come out with their feelings for some xyz person. Really now?
If i'm attracted to some, even before my mind can grasp the unusualness, my mouth always wins the race.
Do i make sense? No?

Dear Diary,
I'd like a man who can just take me and all of my honesty. Because my honesty is who I am. I am an empty room with no furniture without my honesty. And someone who's honest RIGHTBACKATME!
Thanks.

iLOVEEEE.

So today I thought I'd make a list of all things I love.
I want to frame little images of these on a whole wall when I have my own house.

So here goes.
I love
1) Mirrored sunnies
2) Rings
3) Cupcakes
4) Macaroons
5) Chocolates
6) Anything with Studs/Spikes.
7) High heels
8) Lingerie
9) Anything Neon.
10) Anything with glitter/bling.
11) RED
12) Flat stomachs
13) Palazzos
14) Polka dots
15) Sticky notes
16) Hairbands
17) Maps
18) Pencils
19) Starbucks
20) Mint
21) Chewing gums
22) Cinnamon
23) Fruits
24) Dresses
25) Anything with Ruffles.
26) Phone covers
27) Weddings
28) Dressing up
29) Big forehead tikkas
30) Passas
31) Orchids
32) Lilies
33) Diaries
34) Messy hair
34) Pasta
35) Beaches
36) Rib crushing hugs
37) Lake houses
38) Shorts
39) Sweat pants
40) Totes
41) French manicure
42) Gladiators
43) DIYs
44) Larger than life paintings
45) Selfies
46) Pouts
47) Peace signs
48) Driving
49) Convertibles
50) Blue unwashed forever denims
51) Boyfriend coat
52) Hats
53) Water
54) Fire
55) Coffee
56) Sexy backs
57) Big eyes
58) Long hair
59) Sarees
60) Airports
61) Stargazing
62) Sleeping under the sun/moon/open sky
63) Ikat
64) Rooftops
65) Blasting music
66) Headbanging
67) Graffiti
68) Cobbled streets
69) Wooden floors
70) French fries
71) All kinds of salad
72) Pancakes
73) Waffles
74) Anarkali suits
75) Speed
76) Wind in my hair moments
77) Candid photography
78) Stadiums
79) Window seats
80) Uphills
81) The metro
82) Big glass windows
83) Mascara
84) Workout
85) Running
86) Swimming
87) Socks & walking in socks
88) The gurudwara
89) Tumblr
90) Instagram
91) Low ceilings
92) Bean bags
93) Larger than life sofas
94) Caramel Popcorn
95) Skype
96) Checks
97) Lace
98) Animal prints
99) Stripes
100) Box clutches
101) Gems
102) Watermelon
103) Cross body bags
104) Toilet paper
105) Polaroid cameras
106) Photobooths
107) Fondant
108) Biryani
109) English flower prints
110) Drive throughs
111) Denim dresses and shirts
112) Love handles
113) Dungarees
114) Ganjis
115) Secrets
116) Surprises
117) Impulsiveness
118) Midnight snacking
119) Concerts
120) Dingy bars
121) Colored hair
122) TURQUOISE
123) Watering the lawn and getting wet
124) Washing the car
125) Long showers
126) Candles
127) Wind chimes
128) Bath tubs
129) Bubble baths
130) Blow into the air bubbles
131) Sitcoms
132) Icecreams
133) Romcoms
134) Tall trees
135) Cooking
136) Sleeping on the cold floor
137) Meeting new people
138) Far into the beach kinda wooden bridges
139) Dogs
140) Military pants
141) Fluffy pillows
142) Pillow fights
143) Rev of a car engine
144) Suits & Ties
145) Aunty Acid
146) My naani's cooking
147) Crax
148) Corn on the cob
149) Gems
150) Colorful sprinkles
151) Donuts
152) Movies
153) Playlists
154) Falling asleep to music
155) Fairy lights
156) RAINNNNNN
157) Long walks
158) Olive oil
159) Sitting on benches in parks
160) Small cafes with tables so close you can hear the other people
161) Personalised things
162) Slow dancing with lights off
163) Telephone booths
164) Sky lanterns
165) Chinese lanterns
166) All things spicy
167) Door knocks
168) Fragrance of a cake baking
169) Rainbows
170) Iced tea
171) Charm bracelets
172) Pool parties
173) Rainbows on the road. the one that oil or something makes
174) Bonfires
175) Lemonade
176) Subway cookies
177) Backpackers cafe
178) Forehead kisses
179) Dried flowers
180) Books
181) Maps
182) Ruining suspense sometimes
183) Handwritten anything
184) Wooden bridges
185) Karaoke
186) Playing cards
187) House parties
188) Barbecues
189) Apple pie
190) Blueberry cheesecake
191) Marshmallows
192) Crax
193) Pan pasand
195) Kismi
196) This wafer i used to have as a kid. Can't remember or find it :(
197) Mirrors
198) Camping & Tents
199) Nutella
200) Yachts
201) Hats
202) Double decker buses
203) Suspended bridges
204) MAKING LISTS AND CUTTING THINGS OUTTTT
205) Mommade Red kidney beans and rice
206) Custard
207) Harem pants
208) Sunglasses
209) Doodling
210) Very very old clothes. Moms and dads and relatives that i fit into
211) Black and white pictures
212) Theme parties
213) Getting myself clicked
214) Mommade kheer
215) Sipping on cola in those glass bottles
216) Straws
217) Cold coffee
218) Eating out
219) Someone's sexy morning voice
220) Ruffled hair
221) Sleeping like you're stretching your back. when you're on your knees.
222) Fresh ones wet wipes
223) Old spice
224) Crayons and sketch pens
225) Paints
226) The big pencil sharpener with its little shavings
227) Getting a oil head massage
228) incense sticks
229) Camphor
230) Silver linings
231) Telephathy
232) Kikli
233) Bhangra
234) Old narrow lanes and colored doors
235) Rickshaw rides
236) Red brick houses. thin red bricks
237) Watch towers
238) Dim lights
239) Sleeping on someone's chest
240) waking up to breakfast in bed
241) Hospital smells
242) Laughing till i have tears
243) Cramps
244) Running for your life
245)  Wrought iron Staircases
246) 16 inch mattresses
247) Knitting
248) Silence
249) Lindt
250) Bows
251) Cotton candy
252) Untimely showers/thunderstorms
253) Electricity outages

Maybe I'll keep filling this as and when something strikes me.



Maybe I'll go on and make a what I don't like list too. Haha

Never been. Never will be.

Everytime I cry, I think this is the last time this'll happen and yet i find myself crying more often than not. I need to be stronger. i NEED TO BE STRONGER.

Does crying make you stronger? 

Am i looking for excuses, asking the wrong questions?

Maybe I am.

Maybe I have realized that I will never match up to the expectations. I will forever be the rotten person.

Maybe no matter how hard i try, i forget what i'd realized.

Maybe its time to let go, but i find myself running back faster than i walked away.

Is it really about letting go?

Or about seeking familiarity around?

Is it because i stay to prove them wrong?

Or because i have no where else to go?

Understood, that some people have a late start. But where is my start?

Is this the start line? Do i start running now?

Or is it all just a mirage? To confuse the hell out of my already confused life?

Why do i find myself using '?' more often than '.'?

I don't think i have anything more to say to people who underestimate people and do it good.

I will be the phoenix that rises from the ashes.

My.day.will.come.

Every part of the journey counts, yes?

They say you don't remember the bad parts when it comes.

So does it ensure i will forget all the years of my existence? Will it be that good?

That is for time to tell.

Wake me up when September ends?

So for a while there, I'd just lost an interest in tweeting or writing.

But loyal followers are loyal and loyal friends are friends even though I don't rant as much.

I've been taking a break from all ranting and just enjoying.

Not knowing where my phone is has been a relief.

A not so wake-me-up-when-september-ends September.

September has been good.

Maybe cause I asked it to BE good! Politely. In a bb status. =D

Loving and being loved.

Dancing. Loads of crazy ass dancing.

Bottoms up.

Dilli.

Long walks.

Donuts.

Bonding.

Driving.

Smiling like a fucking ferret all the fucking time.

Laughing and getting clicked. =D

Putting my selling skills to use B-)

Lots of ME time.

FOOOOD.

And I've been awake all of september.

Not awake awake. But intellectually stimulated.

And. I've been happy for most part of September.

Looking back, this has been one of the best Septembers of my lifeee.

So much has happened and putting it all down here won't do justice to all them moments.

And September has been all about Speaking up, which reminds me 'if you want more love, why don't you say so?'

Back.. after a long hiatus!

Its been a long time since I sat down and thought through my fingers.
Its been a full plate at life's buffet these past few months.
I'm blasting music right about now, its helping me think, I guess.

Lots of News and NEWs.
I like new. I love change. Unlike most of the people I meet.
Its a big turn off when people are just not adept at adapting.
I love talking. And I'm the most comfortable with silence. Two sides of the same coin and playing the part well at that ;)
I can talk about anything and everything under the sun with you if I like you.

So I got introduced to this thing called the 'Lifegraph' where you talk, you talk about who you are, where you come from, you talk about your highest highs and lowest lows and what changed you and what made you stronger.

Now for someone who loves talking, isn't that fun?
No.

Because I don't like talking about sad and weird things.

I don't like talking about things that are so long back in the past that they're buried and i'd have to dig them up.
Meh. So.much.effort.

Also, If you're ever around me, you know i'm one happy go lucky person who'd hate to have to be serious and put up a stern face and pretend to listen to people pour their heart outs.

No offense. I'm a good listener and all, but just trying to gather some emotion for your fucked up life or mine is just not me.

You fucked up, life fucked you up. Big deal!

Isn't it all about a new day? Going to sleep nevermind the problems.
Don't we all doze off no matter how BIG, LIFE ALTERING, OR blah event/situation is all around us? You can't just stay awake and awake and awake. You have to fall asleep just like you have to blink.

So yes, sleep over it.
And wake up next day.
Do not be afraid to restart and when you wake up, smile.

Smile and hug yourself. So much better already, yeah?

So anyway, back to the LIFEGRAPH.

I didn't really get the purpose of it all. SInce I don't share shitty sad stuff! i'd rather share an Long island iced tea with you.
I love myself FAAAARRR too much to talk sad stuff and blah.

Happy vibes are everything, remember?

But okay, so this guy convinced(?) me to do a one-on-one with him and I happily agreed because i love being sarcastic and blah around him and its fun because he never takes it to heart and mostly because I was curious and wanted to know about His life(graph)?

Selfish much?

So we spoke for life what, 5 hours?
Till 3:21 AM to be precise.

And there was this silence.
And there was this comfort. You only feel it with a few people.

And there was a conclusion. Life is full of suffering and self made/created suffering.

And a question - It doesn't make me feel better or light? Whats the purpose of it all?

Him : You don't feel light or it isn't supposed to make you feel better/worse. You feel free.

And for a minute there, and till a few minutes later that did make sense.
And it does so now too.

I don't know. Weird. I feel free. I think i do.
But haven't i always?

So word of caution lovers/friends : Don't ever come up to me and ask me to SHARE. Thats one thing I absofuckinglutely don't like.

But hey, i'm a good listener and hugger. Makes up right?

Major heartbreak or Major happiness = Good catalyst for discovery of music.

So you're sitting there. Happy and smiling and looking at the laptop, wondering whether to go online or just sit and stare at pretty pictures and you open iTunes and start playing some random songs, and then suddenly iTunes plays this awesome catchy song you've never heard. Yes, iTunes is awesome like that ;) and you go to see what song its playing and the lyrics makes sense. and listen to the song over and over again. yes, that.

I heard this song by Lifehouse today - Come back down.

What a track.

Somehow discovery of music is directly proportional to your current situation or its highly relateable( dunno if thats a word) but i make up words of my own every single day, yes, i'm awesome like that ;)

so i'm just gonna post it here. 

Staring right back in the face
A memory can't be erased
I know, because I tried
Start to feel the emptiness
And everything I'm gonna miss
I know, that I can't hide

All this time is passing by
I think it's time to just move on

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I'll be there for you
Don't have to be alone with what you're going through

Start to breathe and fake a smile
It's all the same after a while
I know, that you are tired
Carrying the ones you lost
A picture frame with all the thoughts
I know, you hold inside

I hope that you can find your way back
To the place where you belong

#MFMI - 3

Yeah, it's starting to melt, this obsession of mine,
Finally, feels like I'm beginning to lose the outline;
Guess I need to move on; and rhyme no more,
It's starting to fade quickly now, I need a new lifeline.

I'll miss being that different guy, for now I feel so distant,
Wish I could stop the world in its place for that one priceless instant.
When the pen used to relieve me of my sorrow and share my joy,
I knew this day would come; it could never have been consistent.

It is so hard to let go, to accept that the time has come,
The feeling of desolation, every time it makes you go numb,
Eventually, you learn to live without it, a passion that shaped your life,
And even when it's gone, you crave for that last crumb.

Switching over to something else, is easier said than done,
It's like locking yourself up in another inescapable, fancy prison.
For you know that when you're done over there, you'll have no place to go,
And maybe then you'd finally admit that you've had enough of the run.

I do not know why I came here, and neither do I know why l'm leaving,
I fell in love with this addiction before; and even now it seems appealing,
It's like a poison to me, which I dearly love, but know that I can't kiss,
I hope I may return for closure; for now, I say goodbye to the feeling.